California Jesus (circa 2024)

The Jesus we need for our times.

A fully contextualized paraphrase of the Gospel of Mark, Chapter 5.

They went to the other side of the sea to the region of the Gadarenes. When California Jesus (hereafter, just “Jesus”) had come out of the boat, immediately a man suffering from a long-untreated mental illness, caused by untreated childhood trauma, who self-medicated with illicit substances, came out of the his camp and met Him. He lived by a drainage ditch on the edge of town. And he was a mess. And no one could handle him; not even periodic incarceration made a difference because he had often been chained in jail (and even prison). But he had inevitably been released and went right back to his camp. And no one could convince him to change his ways. Constantly, night and day, he was in his camp, shooting up, losing teeth, and generally declining in health day by day.

But when he saw Jesus afar off, he ran up and kneeled before Him and cried out with a loud voice, “Hey, man, do you have any change for a meal?”

And Jesus saw the track marks, the missing teeth, and the broken and oozing skin where the man picked at himself, convinced that he had thorns embedded in his flesh.

And Jesus felt compassion for the man.

But…

But not TOO much compassion because Jesus knew a guy like this could easily exploit people. Still, Jesus knew he had to do something (people were watching).

So Jesus gave him some coins, and the man wandered away, heading back to his tent, counting how much more he needed to score some peace-giving “medicine” that he really, really needed just then.

And Jesus turned to the crowd and said: “You have heard it said, love your friends and hate your enemies. But I say to you, love your enemies too—and even people like that man.”

“But…

“But you need to have a tough love. You don’t want to enable bad behavior, so you have to hold people accountable. Be kind, but be tough.”

And the crowd nodded, and one of their leaders said, “But Jesus, what can we do with this man? He defecates in the drainage ditch. He starts fires around town. He drops his needles in places where children play. This puts all of us at risk. Can’t you help us DO something? He is a threat to the public health.”

And Jesus said, “House the man.”

But the people hung their heads, for they knew they did not have a house for this man. And Jesus, seeing their response, said, “I say to you, put this man in a house. Then he can defecate indoors, will not need to set fires, and can do what he needs to do in private.”

And they said to him, “But Jesus, we don’t really have a house for this man. You see, we have pretty strict zoning laws here, and if we build too much, the values of our houses will go down, and… well, God’s work is costly, so we need to make sure that our primary source of wealth is not degraded.

And Jesus said to them, “I get it.”

“Indeed, as I have said before, if you are doing God’s work, you must count the cost. You do well to consider the impact of too much housing on your property values.”

“Therefore, I say to you, scatter to the surrounding villages in the region and find another village, preferably poor, whose housing values will not take a hit from increased housing construction. Then, take up a collection from among yourselves and build a house for this man and others like him there. It need not be a large house because even just a bed is enough for people like this man—they will prefer that to being in their tents.”

This seemed good to the people, but a woman, who was the man’s mother, said, “But Jesus, this man lives here. This is his home. He will not want to go away from here. I often take him food, and I really need to keep an eye on him. We shouldn’t send him away.”

And Jesus rebuked the woman, saying, “If the man does not want help and if he cannot accept a roof over his head, then what CAN you do for him?”

And the woman hung her head in shame, for she loved her son but knew he was a burden.

But the people pressed Jesus, saying, “Building housing in another village is a good plan, but what will we do in the meantime? This man is causing us so many problems and is a nuisance.”

And Jesus, seeing their frustration, said, “Truly, truly I say to you, you need an ordinance; one that forbids sleeping outside. Then, if the man continues to do that, you can slap him in chains. You can tell him that you will give him two days to change his ways and settle down, or you will chain him. Then, if he does not listen to you, you can take care of it and get him out of the way. That should solve your problem.”

And the people marveled at Jesus’ pragmatism and good sense. Some said it was a miraculous visitation, given the longstanding intractable problem.

And the news of Jesus’ practical solution spread across the region and many villages instituted new ordinances, though none built any houses. And the news of Jesus’ help for that region spread even farther and even the Pharisees in Jerusalem and the Roman Pontius Pilate himself heard of it and they were amazed at his teaching.

And everyone agreed that Jesus had a political career ahead of him.

And the laws pushed the man further from town, into dusty draws and rocky slopes far from people. And not too many years later, he died in a hole in the ground where he had pitched his tarp.

(NB: It is now a criminal offense to sleep outdoors in Davis, CA)