Power was the Point

But really, to what end?

I never worried too much about the pastors and other “Christian” leaders of my youth gaining broad political power. They were insular, incurious, and paranoid. They derived their power, in part, from all three of these and by nurturing the same in their followers.

But their power was wielded in small fiefdoms. That is not to say they were harmless. Far from it. For the people—especially the girls and women—of their realms they caused real harms.

A word on those harms—from someone still seeking escape from them. The church in which I was raised taught that one could not lose one’s “salvation.” Once you said the “sinner’s prayer” you were saved and nothing could snatch you out of God’s hand. That was the good news.

But… power…

How do you maintain control of your flock if they suddenly believe that there is no sin that cannot be forgiven? How do you retain them in your reign, if they understand that their eternal destiny is secure?

You rig the game. You move the goalposts. You tweak the rules.

And this is where the harms begin. Oh, they JUST begin.

It goes something like this: “Yes, you cannot lose your salvation! Once saved always saved. God is faithful to his promises… But, if you sin—or maintain a sinful lifestyle (the footnote on what this constitutes would be longer than this brief reflection but includes things like card playing, and dancing, and drinking, and ‘running down the pastor’—you get the point)

“…If you maintain a sinful lifestyle or just keep sinning then it is fair to ask, ‘Were you ever saved at all?’”

And if you don’t think that little trick works, then you never spent sleepless nights hugging your blankets, crying, and begging eternal God not to leave you behind when Jesus comes to take the saved to heaven and leave you behind to face the tribulation and the lake of fire that appears sometime at its end. Because, after all, you were never saved to begin with.

And that’s pretty much how they ruled their little estates. And while it became clear at some point that they coveted the true power of the State, it just did not seem they could figure out how to break out of the smallness of their world to grab for the golden ring of their wet dream theocracies. But those dreams clearly existed.

Side note, it was not just power that was the point—power to control (my sisters couldn’t wear make up and were publicly shamed for square dancing at school), power to manipulate (“Do you really think it’s right to play baseball on prayer meeting night?”), power to abuse (“Just one little kiss,” the pastor begged my mom).

Power alone was not the point. Cruelty was the point. Abuse was the point. A lack of accountability was the point. Autonomy—the child of the lack of accountability—was absolutely the point.

(For all the talk of Christ’s love for humankind, I will never forget the sneering hatred for “others” (others include just about everyone who is not a virile white male) and the unhidden glee of an “enemy” dying and going to hell: “He got what he had coming”—so Clint Eastwoodian. So Christian.)

Like I said, I never worried…

Oh dammit, why don’t I just say it? They just weren’t very smart! And at a certain point we all saw through it and we just got out. For some of us it took a long time (fear of eternal death was, after all, a wonderful tool in their power-building arsenal).

I never worried…

But somehow. Now. After years of refining the tools of shame, manipulation, and abuse at a local level—and still fronting insulation, incuriosity, and paranoia—they hold some gavels and they control increasing parts of our national power infrastructure.

They have always ruled as a cruel minority—mocking those who are different, using myth and straight up lies and dissimulation to maintain a pliant flock. But now they have the tools to scale it all up. To lead a quasi-national flock of timid followers through manipulation and fear.

It would be hilarious, if it were not so deadly serious.

In hindsight, I always knew they would sell their souls to a master manipulator because they had sold their souls so many times before. I knew they would be able to point to the sin in others only because they knew is SO well in themselves.

So here we are.

The nightmares of my childhood are now out in the open for everyone to see. They always wanted the power, I never understood why. I still don’t. I just know they have it now and they will wield it in all the old ways. To control. To manipulate. To abuse.

And it’s always women, and brown people, and those without a voice who will pay the price.