For Earth Day: An Automobile Bill of Rights

Amendment 1

– Freedom to Drive, Speed, and use Cellular Technology

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of restrictions to use one’s automobile for any purpose or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of driving or of parking, or the right of the people peaceably to all go to the same location, at the same time and arrive with zero delays, and plentiful free and convenient parking, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances if they are made to wait in traffic or park more than 5 minutes walk from their location. The use of cellular technology while en route should not be limited in any way.

Amendment 2

– The Right to Free Rights

A well-regulated highway system being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to use all public streets in ways that cause the least inconvenience to them as drivers (personally) shall not be infringed. In particular, free right turns shall be the norm for all street designs to permit the speedy passage of automobiles.

Amendment 3

– The Housing of Cars

No car shall, in at any time, be quartered in any garage but should benefit from free parking in streets, alleys, and public spaces without restriction of any kind. Adequate free parking shall be available in proximity (<5 minutes walk) to desired destination for all drivers.

Amendment 4

– Protection from Unreasonable Slowdowns and Diversions

The right of the people to be secure in their cars, taxis, Lyfts, and Ubers against unreasonable slowdowns and diversions shall not be violated, and no waiting shall occur but upon catastrophic crashes and attendant rubber necking, supported by flashing lights or security vehicles, and particularly the place is to be affirmed by helicopter live shots, appropriate news reporting, and traffic updates on public radio.

Amendment 5

– Protection of Rights to Waze, Free Roads, and the Public Right of Way

No person shall be held to take a designated route if Waze or other service suggests they take another (no matter the inconvenience of others), unless Waze malfunctions and directs all drivers to a cul-de-sac; nor shall any person be subject for waiting more than twice per month or put in jeopardy of daily waits; nor shall be compelled to defend his/her decision to engage in boorish behavior if they get impatient in traffic, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or their desired speed without due process of law; nor shall private cars be limited in turning right on red, slowing in schools zones, or coming to a full stop at stop signs.

Amendment 6

– Rights of Accused Persons in Speeding Cases

In all speeding cases, the accused shall enjoy the right to be given a break “just this time” by a compassionate cop of the state and district wherein the speeding shall have been committed; to be able to describe s/he was speeding because s/he was late; to have his/her passenger witness in his/her favor about the lateness; and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense that s/he is really a good person who just did it just this one time and doesn’t usually act this way.

Amendment 7

– Rights in Bike and Pedestrian Crashes

In suits at which cyclists or pedestrians have been injured, the right of trial by a jury of people who have had bad experiences with bicyclists or pedestrians shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment 8

– Excessive Waits, Tolls, and License Fees

Excessive waits in traffic shall not be acceptable, nor shall excessive fines be imposed if drivers do crazy things because they are impatient, nor shall cruel and unusual punishments inflicted—except for those who impede automobile drivers.

Amendment 9

– Other Rights Kept by the Drivers

The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights for automobile drivers SHALL be construed to essentially limit the rights of pedestrians and bicyclists.

Amendment 10

– Undelegated Powers Kept by the Automobile Owners and Other Motorized Vehicle Drivers

The powers not delegated to the automobile drivers by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to automobile drivers. .

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